OCD

I admit it----I suffer from OCD.  Oldest Child Disease (No, not Obessive Compulsive Disorder-----although I suppose you could stretch that term to fit this problem)   In this unpleasant malady, the subject has the delusion that they are responsible for....pretty much everything.   This creates conflict and unpleasantness, especially with people who know better----which is pretty much everyone.  Well, except those poor souls who hope that someone, somewhere will take responsiblity for them.   People with OCD often fall into the trap of trying to help that kind of person----which creates an even messier, hard to break bond of sinfulness.  I think the recognized term for that is co-dependence.  To take it one step further, I have found that even when someone with that corresponding need wants to break through it, a hard-core Oldest Child will make that very difficult.   Aaarrrghhh.  Guilty as charged.

The greatest conflict caused is the one between my Creator and myself.  After all, as patient and merciful as he is, he can't allow this kind of thing to continue.  He has been bringing this illness to my attention quite skillfully lately, through some key relationships, and after the first horror and loathing, I am finding myself grateful and (almost) relieved.  I say almost, because the disease generates a sense of guilt about relief----which results in a horrible craving for it-----which morphs into addictions of many flavors.  Mine has been overeating.   Maybe the Pharisees were suffering from OCD-----their behavior certainly points in that direction.  You get points for being rigidly self-governed, to the exclusion of the One who put you on the planet.  Ultimately, only the points count.  God is out of the picture.

All this to say, I want very much to repent.  And an important step in repentance is confession .
Yesterday I had an uncomfortable, messy, but ultimately hopeful conversation with one of the people that has been locked in this kind of relational two-step with me.  Face-to-face confessions are vital, I am finding.  But I often feel a need to also document the process.  I suppose I am confessing to myself!  I am suffering too----not so much a perpetrator as a victim myself.  The very kind of person Jesus promised to rescue and re-habilitate!  Please, Lord, keep doing that!  Save me from myself!!

This morning, as I was turning all this over in my mind, offering it up to God like the sloppy mudpie it is,  this comforting thought surfaced.  I wrote it on an index card and put it near my computer, so I can be reminded daily of its truth:  Lord, let me remember that the way things unfold is never my doing, even when I am an enthusiastic participant!

And then I discovered this scripture, that reminds me of the same truth, so that went on an index card, too:
"But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God"  John 3:21