Hunger

The past week has been more challenging for me than the first one.  The shine of a new commitment has faded, and I'm recognizing old "faces" in the gloom.  A sense of desperation......worry in the face of emptiness......a longing for something tangible to stuff the hole in my middle.

I am reading a thought provoking book right now by Geneen Roth, "Women, Food, and God"  She's been digging under the surface of the issue of compulsive overeating for over thirty years, and has some telling insights.  I will say here that her take on God lacks the personal dimension of my own experience, so I take her views with a grain of salt.  But she certainly strikes a chord when she talks about being present for this life.  I'm recognizing my eating habits as an attempt to dull some pain that feels overwhelming to me.  It has really always been  there, and food is how I've coped.  When life circumstances boil over (like my husband's devastating stroke last year),  it triggers the old mechanism, and I find myself once again turning to my old comfort measures.  This time, I did an interesting combination of going through the old motions and watching myself as I did it.  I didn't judge, I just observed.  I allowed myself to enjoy the hamburger or the ice cream cone.  I watched myself eat too much and let myself wonder why I did that.  And let myself not really know.  Yes, I did put on some pounds------but I think it helped to see the way it operates so I could consider what might actually cure it.  Like a good mechanic, running that engine and listening intently to "hear" what's missing. 

So, armed with that information, I am dismantling the old support system......the one that developed before I could even think clearly, the one born out of hurt and lack.   I did not know my Father in heaven when all that started, even though I know he knew me.   I see it as his mercy that he allowed me to exhaust my own options, proving to myself how bankrupt I really am of myself.  Now I have no doubt.  And really, I suppose, it's He who is doing the dismantling.  He's just gracious enough to give me a sense of participation:-)   I am, after all, a chip off the old block.  This morning I pray for a renewal of intentional choices, the patience to prepare the food and stay present as I do it.  The peace of mind to chew slowly and enjoy the nourishment.  The wisdom to realize that food is just......food.  Not a drug to be abused. 

I see my original prayer being answered here-----just writing this clears the cobwebs and re-energizes me.  I find myself incredibly thankful for God's providence, and full of hope.