Enjoying "no"

Yup.  I made these cupcakes for my granddaughter Lily's second birthday.  And in my book, they're victory cupcakes-----because at day 33 of this discipline, I was able to go through every step of the creation of them without sampling them!   For any of you with an eating disorder (mine is compulsive overeating) you know that is major!

So I want to remind myself how it feels to reverse the gears of my addiction.

As I went through the process, I took note of all the places where I would have felt an absolute obligation to "make sure it tasted right" or "not let those crumbs go to waste".  I gathered up all the little odds and ends of cupcake crumbs left over from trimming and filling them, and I put them in the compost!  I washed out the bowls with the last scrapings of batter, and the filling, and the frosting, and let it all go down the drain.   Even the beaters:-)  I've licked plenty of beaters, no need to continue!

I used the word obligation just now-----when you're in bondage, you have such tunnel vision, don't you?  You can't see the obvious.  The frosting was not holding a gun to my head, after all.  But....but.....it feels like something is forcing you, doesn't it?   I am thanking God for the will to step out of the invisible prison that was holding me,  the "time out" of this program, so I could catch my breath and look at my captor unmasked.    Oh.  Wow.   It only has the power I give it.  I think I will name it Indulgence.  For reasons I am still sorting through, I have felt a perverse loyalty to it.  I think James calls it like it is in the first chapter of his epistle "For each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin,; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" James 1: 14-15
So James calls it Desire----I am refining it to Indulgence.  Whatever you want to call it, it's debilitating.

How did it feel to say "no" to those cupcakes?  It felt clean.  It felt purposeful.  I was able to enjoy the creative process more fully.  I felt balanced, knowing that it's not the cupcakes that are evil----there may come a day when I can take a bite and enjoy it, able to judge when I've had enough.  I enjoyed watching everyone else enjoying them----and watching some people resist, too:-)   It felt like maybe I'm growing up a little.  Wow----God's way is so much more satisfying.  What a ripoff to be compulsive!   Praying for a continuation for seeing things more the way He does!

Dismantling

photo by Anni Jones Photography

Have you ever thought of your behavior as a structure that  has developed to cover up something you don't understand?   That's what's been knocking on my door over the past week or so-----as I continue to stay with this discipline,  new light shines on an old familiar cage, and I am able to ask some questions that have been a little too uncomfortable for me in the past.   Like, "why am I in here?"  and "I wonder if there's any way to open that door?"   Even if you are not an overeater, my educated guess is that you have some kind of coping mechanism to deal with pain, and chances are it's just as cagelike as this one is for me. 

When it comes to self-worth, some of us missed the memo the first time around, when we were kids.  Actually, I think it's rare to get the kind of solid nurturing that builds proper self-respect.   There's just an awful lot of sin to go around, and a million ways to fall into the ditch.  At 57, I can describe many artistic and complicated ways to miss the mark.  Ha!  One great thing about making so many mistakes, though, is that you develop a certain authority about what is truly a mistake.  Doubt loses its grip.  God's saving grace continues and prevails. Even in the structure that I built for myself as a protection, rickety though it may have been, something holy was developing.   And maybe that holiness is the very thing I don't understand.  Holiness is counterintuitive to human thinking, yes?   So, paradoxically, my sinfulness that built a network of habits to compensate for pain and discomfort was used to shelter something planted by God.  And at this stage, it has grown enough for me to take notice, for me to say-----"Maybe I need to nurture this and let the old cage dissolve".    Maybe I am about ready to accept the worth that God has assigned.  Ya think?

I think the opening chapter of Ephesians says it all   "For he chose us in him (Christ, that is--) before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ....."   Really, go read that first chapter.  No, go ahead and read the whole book----it's mind-blowing, what God's intention is for us!  It's so wonderful, it takes some of us until we're 57 to adjust:-)

Strategies

Something about abstinence unleashes a storm of creativity in me.  Every time.  John Piper explores this in his excellent book on fasting A Hunger for God..   So, 17 days into this voluntary fast from all things sugar, flour, and high calorie, I am bursting with new ideas.  Strategies I hadn't considered before.  Yesterday is a great example, and for all you singles out there, this might be helpful.

Knowing that I have a busy week of baking in front of me, and how tempting some of my own goodies are (!)  I knew I needed a plan.  I want to make it through this week standing strong!  So I started by putting  my oven to work:
I roasted a whole chicken.  I roasted a head of cauliflower.  I roasted an eggplant, an onion, and a whole head of garlic cloves.  (I'll do a post on roasting veggies soon-----no need for olive oil, just a spritz of cooking spray, and maybe some salt to taste.  Roasting brings out all the flavor and sweetness in your veggies, and they are a great base for all kinds of dishes.  Stick with me and I'll share more how-tos soon.  But this post is on STRATEGIES)

Meanwhile, on top of the stove, I cooked a small pot of brown rice, and on another burner, hardboiled some eggs.  My strategy is to spend an hour or so of focused time cooking elements that will get mixed and matched for some fun, nutritious menus.  

Once the chicken had cooled, I removed the skin and bones and put the shredded meat in a container to be kept in the fridge for quick chicken salad, stir fry, whatever I dream up.  It will last me for three or four days.
I already know that chicken is about 215 calories for 4 0z.

I peeled the eggs and stashed them in a container too----these were small, so they're 50 calories each.

I rescued a bundle of wilting cilantro from the fridge and trimmed the stems a bit, then popped them in a mason jar with some water, and put them on a windowsill to get a new lease on life.  Thinking I'll be making some cilantro rice one of these meals--------it really dresses up a salad or entree.

I also put the cauliflower in a container, ready to be made into a quick soup, delicious dip, or a quick reheating.  Guess I'll have to do a cauliflower post------such a great resource.  But, I digress.......

Then I decided to have some fun with the eggplant.  I made Eggplant Romano,  and it came in at only 300 calories!  I used the roasted eggplant, onions, and garlic for this.  I measured 2 c. lowfat cottage cheese into my cuisinart, added the onions and garlic, and processed until smooth.  Then I layered the roasted eggplant slices in the bottom of a small casserole, topped it with the cottage cheese mixture, topped that with 1/2 c. of spaghetti sauce, and sprinkled 4 tbsp. of romano cheese over all.  I baked it at 400 for about 30 minutes, uncovered, until all was bubbly and browned.  It was enough for two entrees, so I enjoyed it last night at dinner, and am looking forward to a great lunch or dinner today.  Woohoo!

I'll do a more formal post with the calories and all, but for today I wanted to share how I strategized for the week. 

Next time I'll share my dynamite dessert, too, using dark cherries, cocoa and sour cream for a luscious end of the day treat that's under 200 calories. 

Day 17

(if anyone is actually doing the program, the lesson I read today is from week 4, not week 3.  When I joined my group, they were already a week ahead of me, so I just quickly reviewed the first week and jumped in.  Not recommended for someone who's never done the program-------but I'm a returning veteran:-)

From my journal, which often is written as a prayer:

Father, the lesson today is about addiction and compulsion.  Twelve years into my PRISM experience, I am still unpacking.  Why is that, I wonder?  I have yet to truly  lay it down (whatever "it" is.......)   I am more comfortable "controlling" the behavior-----either by abstaining as I am right now, or by abandoning myself to it.  In fact, I suspect that keeping the "behavior" as an option helps to distract me from that dreaded "it".   Wow.........it seems like a lot of gymnastics to go through.  I wonder what would happen if I turned around and looked at whatever "it" is that's been chasing me all these years?   Lord,  I think I have felt that I couldn't face it alone, and it has taken me all these years to get real enough to even recognize it.  Now I can see it at work, and as I do I also know that I have a great Friend to walk me through it to the other side.  The side of sanity!  Where You live!  That's what I want, Lord, more than anything.  I want to believe your truth and tell it boldly, starting with myself! I want there to be no sin block between us!   I sense your smile even as I write-----it must be a happy thing to get one of your children to this point:-)   Carry me through, Lord!    Amen

Grace

This morning, as I get ready to dig into my jar of refrigerator oatmeal, (thoughtfully prepared by....me!  last night)  it occurs to me that there is much to be thankful for.  Thankful for my very hunger!  And for good food to satisfy it.  Thankful for the picture window that looks out on a serene view of fruit trees just finishing their bloom, green grass, my neighbor's house.  Thankful for time to enjoy my meal.  A good way to begin my day-----thankful to God for his providence.   I guess I am saying grace:-)

Hunger

The past week has been more challenging for me than the first one.  The shine of a new commitment has faded, and I'm recognizing old "faces" in the gloom.  A sense of desperation......worry in the face of emptiness......a longing for something tangible to stuff the hole in my middle.

I am reading a thought provoking book right now by Geneen Roth, "Women, Food, and God"  She's been digging under the surface of the issue of compulsive overeating for over thirty years, and has some telling insights.  I will say here that her take on God lacks the personal dimension of my own experience, so I take her views with a grain of salt.  But she certainly strikes a chord when she talks about being present for this life.  I'm recognizing my eating habits as an attempt to dull some pain that feels overwhelming to me.  It has really always been  there, and food is how I've coped.  When life circumstances boil over (like my husband's devastating stroke last year),  it triggers the old mechanism, and I find myself once again turning to my old comfort measures.  This time, I did an interesting combination of going through the old motions and watching myself as I did it.  I didn't judge, I just observed.  I allowed myself to enjoy the hamburger or the ice cream cone.  I watched myself eat too much and let myself wonder why I did that.  And let myself not really know.  Yes, I did put on some pounds------but I think it helped to see the way it operates so I could consider what might actually cure it.  Like a good mechanic, running that engine and listening intently to "hear" what's missing. 

So, armed with that information, I am dismantling the old support system......the one that developed before I could even think clearly, the one born out of hurt and lack.   I did not know my Father in heaven when all that started, even though I know he knew me.   I see it as his mercy that he allowed me to exhaust my own options, proving to myself how bankrupt I really am of myself.  Now I have no doubt.  And really, I suppose, it's He who is doing the dismantling.  He's just gracious enough to give me a sense of participation:-)   I am, after all, a chip off the old block.  This morning I pray for a renewal of intentional choices, the patience to prepare the food and stay present as I do it.  The peace of mind to chew slowly and enjoy the nourishment.  The wisdom to realize that food is just......food.  Not a drug to be abused. 

I see my original prayer being answered here-----just writing this clears the cobwebs and re-energizes me.  I find myself incredibly thankful for God's providence, and full of hope.

No Cook Refrigerator Oatmeal

Who knew??
This recipe satisfies on several levels:
 It's delicious and packs some major nutrition. Healthy choices, yay!
It's something you can make ahead and have waiting for you in your fridge.  Grab and Go, yay!
Because you make it the night before, it's very intentional----you are taking responsibility for what you will be eating in the morning.  You are taking care of yourself.  Yay!

Here's how:
In a pint size mason jar, measure:
1/4 c. regular rolled oats (not thick, not quick, not steelcut)77 cal.
1/4 c. Greek yogurt, unsweetened, unflavored    30 cal.
1/4 c. lowfat milk        30 cal.
1/2 c. berries (They're all good) 40 cal.
1 tbsp. flaxseed meal         50 cal.
Grand total  for this recipe                   227 calories     Yay!
I also added some stevia powder to my jar, no calories there.
You could also add some vanilla extract or cinnamon.  There are so many fun ways to dress up a recipe, don't be afraid to experiment:-)  

Give it all a mix, put a cap on it, and stick it in the fridge overnight.  In the morning, you will have a ready made breakfast with a great texture and all kinds of wonderful enzymes and nutrients to get you off to a great start.
Yay!   I was going to post a picture but.....I ate it instead:-)  Maybe next time........!